Some of you already know this, but my dad wasn’t ever really in my life’s picture. He wasn’t around for my childhood, and he died when I was in high school.
This means of course, that I have had all my major life milestones without him and always will. 99.5% of the time it doesn’t bother me, because it’s how it’s always been and I am as used to it as one can be with unfortunate things.
But today, for some reason, I am not.
Today I am listening to sappy love songs trying to put together a list of songs to play for key events at my wedding, and I am absolutely heartbroken. I would love to give my soon-to-be Mother in-law the opportunity to have a special dance with her son at our wedding, but I just don’t know if I sit there and know that I won’t have the opportunity to dance with my dad. Sure, there are alternatives, but they will all stab me in the heart, and right now that sounds unbearable.
It shouldn’t matter. I have survived birthdays, graduations, big moves, happy moments, sad moments, and every day without him. I have always known that I would also have my wedding without him. But every vendor, every website, every acquaintance that doesn’t know better, they all ask something about him; ‘will your dad walk you down the aisle?’ ‘are you going to dance with your father?’ ‘are your parents giving speeches?’ and every time there is a little twinge of grief, or a big one.
Grief is a funny thing. After all these years I still mourn for what never was and never will be, even in the midst of all my happiness.