So, as 2008 is on it’s way out, and 2009 comes rushing in, promising shiny things and fresh beginnings (much like many politicians, they mush be in cahoots), it seems everybody is writing blog posts about how 2008 was and what they want out of 2009. We all know that if everybody jumped off a bridge, I might consider doing so as well, so here I am, writing my obligatory Farewell 2008, Hello 2009 post.

I won’t lie and say that 2008 was a great year, or that it was the best I’ve ever had, or that it was easy, because, well… it wasn’t. Not by any stretch of the imagination. On the same note though, it wasn’t all bad either, and certainly wasn’t the worst year of my life.

Even though it’s been almost 2 years since I moved to Portland (and even though I absolutely LOVE it here and will likely not be leaving), it’s still hard to be so far away from my family, and for my friends who know me the best. I have some great friends up here and I love them dearly and am very thankful for them, but they can’t replace the gap in my heart that was once filled by people who have known me for 6+ years, and some who have known me almost my entire life. I kind of live in a shell; my friends here don’t really *know* me because of it, and sometimes I feel alone, and like nobody will really understand how I am feeling, or why I do some of the things I do.

I also went through a relatively bad break up earlier in the year (I say relatively because I’ve heard of far worse breakups, but most of mine have been much less painful than this one) that was kind of like going through a divorce, the way we had to separate belongings. It took me a while to get over that.

I’ve moved, and started a new job, and lost friends, and made new friends, and had financial difficulties, and my car broke down, and there was a death in the family, and I’ve have had my ups and downs. Some days I feel more like I’m simply surviving and not really living. Much of my life is still under “trial by fire” status, and I don’t feel like I have any more direction in my life than I had last year…

But it’s okay.

I made it through 2008 a little battered and bruised, but not broken. At the end of the day, I do have good friends here, and a boyfriend that cares about me, even if we have our good days and bad days, and I know that if it ever came down to it, I could be in LA with my family if I need it. I may only be surviving at the moment, but I’m still in one piece. Even if I’m only wandering right now, I know eventually I’ll find my path, and things will straighten out..

2009 may not have all the shiny things I need, but I know I’ll pull through and be that much closed to whatever my ultimate goal is.

So… Tom and I broke up over the weekend.

It wasn’t a bad breakup. There was no fighting. Nobody is mad, we don’t hate each other, we don’t resent each other, we don’t regret anything… we’re just not very good as a couple. We’ve had a few problems lately, and while things were getting better, they weren’t really going the direction that they “should” have gone. We’ve been getting along a lot better, but mostly in the platonic ways.

I could get really detailed about a lot of reasons why it’s better in the long run that we just be friends, but really, there’s no point. I’m slowly making my peace with it. I’ve had some good friends listen to me, my puppy is snuggling with me and I have a lot of things to look forward with. I’m starting a new job soon, and I am looking forward to meeting a lot of new people there and making new, local friends.

A lot of people that know us seem to think that it’s a temporary thing, and that in a few weeks we’ll get back together. I’ve kind of thought about that a bit, and I don’t think that would be the right thing to do. And it’s not because I don’t love him, or because I think he doesn’t love me, or because I don’t want to try to work it out… it’s because I think ultimately, while we probably could make it work, we can both find somebody that is better suited to us. We just need different things, and I don’t think it’s fair to either one of us to make compromises as huge as we’ve had to make.

It’ll take a little time, and it may be a little awkward or painful for a while, but I think in the end, I’ll be happy to be able to call him my friend. I know everything is going to turn out just fine… I just wish that knowing all of this would make me feel better about it.

Well, it’s been a year since I moved to Portland. It kind of seems like just yesterday in a way.

So, it’s not really as cold and wet here as everybody made it out to be. Yeah, it gets cold, and yeah, it rains, but it’s doesn’t pour 10 and half months out of the year like everybody made it sound.

I don’t have all that many friends. I feel like I should know more people for as long as I have been here, but I don’t. I would feel sad about it, but the more I think about it, I didn’t have as many friends in L.A. as I should have for as long as I was there. So, whatever. Story of my life I guess haha.

I’m going to be starting a new job in a couple weeks. I am pretty excited. My current one was good for a while, and helped me get my feet on the ground, but now it’s time to move on to different things.

I thought I had everything all situated now, but sometimes things don’t always go as planned. Sometimes things get turned upside down unexpectedly. There’s an area of my life right now that’s sort of up in the air… I think I know what the outcome of it will be but I’m going to let the dust settle a little bit, because sometimes things don’t go as planned.

I feel kind of terrible right now, this is not how I wanted today to be. But I feel confidant that things will look up soon. It’s all a learning experience, and an adventure… or something.