On Being a Fatherless Bride

Some of you already know this, but my dad wasn’t ever really in my life’s picture. He wasn’t around for my childhood, and he died when I was in high school.

This means of course, that I have had all my major life milestones without him and always will. 99.5% of the time it doesn’t bother me, because it’s how it’s always been and I am as used to it as one can be with unfortunate things.

But today, for some reason, I am not.

Today I am listening to sappy love songs trying to put together a list of songs to play for key events at my wedding, and I am absolutely heartbroken. I would love to give my soon-to-be Mother in-law the opportunity to have a special dance with her son at our wedding, but I just don’t know if I sit there and know that I won’t have the opportunity to dance with my dad. Sure, there are alternatives, but they will all stab me in the heart, and right now that sounds unbearable.

It shouldn’t matter. I have survived birthdays, graduations, big moves, happy moments, sad moments, and every day without him. I have always known that I would also have my wedding without him. But every vendor, every website, every acquaintance that doesn’t know better, they all ask something about him; ‘will your dad walk you down the aisle?’ ‘are you going to dance with your father?’ ‘are your parents giving speeches?’ and every time there is a little twinge of grief, or a big one.

Grief is a funny thing. After all these years I still mourn for what never was and never will be, even in the midst of all my happiness.

2016: A Plan

I’m not saying these things are New Year’s Resolutions persay, but there is something about the start of the year that makes for a good time to sit down and evaluate what you want to get done. I don’t buy into that “New Year, New Me” thing so much (though I’m pretty sure I did use that hashtag last year haha), but I do think that having a plan is good.

So, here are some things that I’m hoping to accomplish in 2016!

Personal:

– Plan a successful, fun, and reasonably priced* wedding. I’ve got the venue and photographer booked so I’m on the right track. We’re a little crazy and are getting married in September.

– Lose 20lb to look awesome in my wedding dress and feel good and all the other benefits of losing some extra weight. I also want to start doing yoga.

– Spend more time reading.

– Learn German, and brush up on my Spanish.

– Get a puppy (maybe haha).

Work:

– Expand my business. I haven’t decided what direction I want to go yet, but I want to start doing either some freelance web design, or photography. I also plan to start selling a small quantity of handbags.

– Catch up on my business taxes. I’d like to actually have the funds in January for them, not in April. I’m tired of always trying to keep up and would love to actually be ahead of the game.

I think that’s pretty much it! I think 2016 is going to be pretty good and I look forward to seeing what it brings.

2015: A Recap

So I know I said that I wanted to do more blogging, and then I didn’t. It’s kind of the story of my life sometimes. Let’s see if I can do better in 2016! But, I suppose there needs to be a recap so those of you that aren’t my friend on Facebook or even Twitter know what I’m talking about (… as if anybody reading this doesn’t fall under one of those categories haha).

Traditionally, I’m guessing chronological order is the best way to go about it, but I just want to start with the most exciting bit!

So for Kevin’s birthday in early December, we went back up to Victoria so that we could see the lights at Butchart Gardens. Apparently Canada is our birthday-place haha. So we were there and the lights were all beautiful and we had a great time. The best part was that while we were there, on his birthday, surrounded by adorable Christmas lights, Kevin asked me to marry him! Of course I said yes, how could I possibly not?! We’re very excited.

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Ok now that I’ve said that, I can go over the rest of the year. It’ll be quick, because everything pales in comparison.

– As you know, Sonia came to visit me earlier in the year. She actually came again this month because I needed her here in person to squee with. That was awesome!

– Saw Phantom of the Opera, which I was way thrilled for because I’ve been dying to see it on stage since high school. We looked snazzy and had a great time.

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– Went on a mini vacation to Leavenworth, an adorable little Bavarian town not too far from here.

– Participated in a lot of sewing swaps.

– Turned 30, but you already read that blog post.

– Did a bunch of archery, and also wound up with an airsoft pistol. Also fired a real gun for the first time ever.

– Failed Whole30. Oops. I actually need to try to succeed at that again, I have a pretty dress in my future that I want to look awesome in!

– Went to my first Mariner’s game. Had amazing seats! Went into crazy overtime but sadly we lost in the end.

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– Saw Rocky Horror Picture Show, dressed appropriately for it.

– Drank way too much Starbucks.

– Played a lot of video games. Started a YouTube channel and another neglected blog related to said games.

– Went to Canada and GOT ENGAGED. Oh, I said that already. Sorry….

– Got a bunch of awesome Christmas gifts. Had a quiet New Year.

And there we are folks! All caught up. Tomorrow* I’ll make a post about what’s coming up in 2016. Yaaaaay! 2015 was amazing, I hope 2016 is even better.

One Whole30 Week Down…

Clearly I must just have an aversion to blogging, but at least I’ve been live-tweeting my Whole30 experience! Here are my thoughts from the last few days, shamelessly copy/pasted from Twitter:

  • Whole30 Day 3: when I need to find a new appreciation for black coffee because life without coffee isn’t worth living.
    (I know I said that in my last post, but it was worth re-stating, because it’s that important to me haha).
  • Whole30 Day 4: the carb cravings commence. My kingdom for some pancakes! (I haven’t even had pancakes in months, whyyyy cravings?!)
  • Today and tomorrow are supposed to be the “Kill ALL the things!” days, but so far today I’m not grumpy, just perpetually hungry #whole30
  • Whole30 Day 6: I have a nasty, nasty headache today.
  • (In response to someone asking me for motivational tips): When I feel deprived, I eat bacon ;)
  • Oooh… its a day late according to the timeline, but the “kill ALL the things” phase just kicked in. #badmood #whole30
  • (In response to someone saying I’m making them never want to try Whole30): It gets better. And it’s not like I’m never grumpy otherwise ;) It’s not [fun], but I get amazing results from it. A little suffering builds character.
  • Whole30 Day 7: My kingdom for something that is NOT eggs for breakfast…

So that’s where I am right now. Sick to death of eggs, still missing my coffee, tired and slightly grumpy. The good news is that next week will be better. Also, I really need to get to the gym, but I am remarkably unmotivated to do so lately. Gonna try hard t make myself go this weekend though.

Whole30 Day 3 Thoughts

Starting a Whole30 on a weekend is rough. It’s the preferred beer-drinking time of week, for starters. Not to mention that there’s just something about playing Pathfinder that makes me crave junk food (I’m pretty sure that’s genetically hardwired into all nerds).

All weekend long, both Kevin and I kept saying, “All I want to eat is things I’m not allowed to have”. I don’t usually start off so discouraged, which is a little bit not-promising for the longevity of this plan.

I started my day today without coffee, which sucks. A day without coffee is a bad day. So I bought an iced Americano while I was grocery shopping and added a little coconut milk to it, and it’s drinkable. I will need to find an appreciation for black coffee if I’m going to stay sane.